Uncle John’s Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader
By: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Recommended reading level: ages 12+
I’ve had my fill of toothpaste instructions and warnings on cold medicine labels. Never one to bring a book or newspaper (unless we’re out of toilet paper) to the bathroom, when things are taking a while, I resort to reading whatever I pull out of the medicine cabinet. “Get in and get out” is my usual philosophy. But sometimes, it’s nice to have reading material handy for those occasions when digestive systems are a bit sluggish. Why not take maximum advantage of the predicament – read an anecdote, eye witness account, learn some frivolous trivia, or a dumb joke to make you feel like you haven’t wasted time sitting around waiting for something to move? With over 600 pages of witty sayings, conversation pieces, and collections of wacky and sometimes useful information, this loaded reader will provide entertainment when you need it most.
Here’s a few of my favorite nuggets:
Lost in translation (signs):
I like your smile but unlike you put your shoes on my face.
Sorry we’re open.
Please do not feel or scare the animals.
Because I do not have a tissue always ready in this restroom, please buy used one.
Foreign language insults/threats.
Fantong! Mandarin for useless (literal: rice bucket)
Nameh Ten-No! Japanese for you want to fight? (literal: what are you licking?)
Sutki Pala! Polish for chill-out (literal: your nipples are burning)
Want to brush up on your bowling lingo? Say this next time you’re at the alley:
“Look at him reading the lane with his benchmark ball, I bet he’s a squeezer cranker bound to get a clothesline or a 7-up.”
And one of my favorite sections: dispelling myths. I was shocked to learn that Buddha, traditionally depicted as a fat god, was actually tall and lean. Disturbing.
Oh yes, lots more to learn. Remember, 600 pages. So much time suck awaits you.
I propose that the Bathroom Reader might even make it out of your bathroom and into the main living area of your home. If it sounds like one of your family members is having a good time in the john, let’s assume The Bathroom Readers’ Institute is to blame.